Heads or Tails?
Did you ever create a mask to hide from the world? Did it ever become so powerful that it took over you? Did it elude you from real love, or loving yourself? It does that to me.
I created my alter ego when I was broken and bruised. I did it because I didn't want the world to see how vulnerable I was. It was strong, it was free, and morever it was interesting. Years have passed and it has seeped into me. Yes, I know everyone has masks, everyone hides something. But frankly speaking, now I'm scared. The layers are difficult to peel, and I hear it laughing as I violently try to jerk it off. It won't go, it's grown on my face. If I tear it off, the bruises will be more than before, and the world will laugh again.
I'm not crazy. Beneath my mask, I'm clear headed and practical, spiritual and real, homely and dreamy. But they can't see that. My mask brings people to me, people who are enthralled by negativity and darkness. They come, and when I slowly reveal myself, they are disappointed. What? The freak is a woman, the freak cries, the freak cares, the freak feels?
Remember Gollum from LOTR? Remember what happens to him? Personally, I didn't laugh when he came onscreen, I cried. Because I understood his pain, his trauma over fighting against two people, both his own.
I'm learning the signs now. The mask is active in front of people, it entertains and demands attention. I know how to kill it, by depriving it of people. In solitude, it'll die its death. In loneliness, I will return.
I'm trying even though I know it'll weaken me. I'm writing the most honest lines I've ever written...
Comments
that doesnt *seem* to apply here.
in depriving the mask, will the self suffer?
open-ness is not necessarily akin to weakness, when that mask comes off, you will know.
the self is such a fluid concept. are you sure that the mask you wear is a disguise? maybe it's an attempt to express the "self" you never subconsciously accepted or approved of? maybe what u think is the self, is really the alter-ego?
i'm just thinking aloud. people are drawn to what they don't see i think. not what's on the surface, whats visible. they'll come looking for you. :)
thanks a lot for ur words...
From my friend: "Do you realise that there is a difference between being strong on the inside, and building a strong wall around yourself?"
- This is the most important rebuke I have heard in my whole life.
From Anne Frank: "I am a bundle of contradictions."
-Such a simple line, and once i accepted this one truth, accepting all the other things abt self became that much simpler.
While I am in this mode, to connect to ur message here, 2 families don't have to like each other. They just have to tolerate each other at tea *-* :-)
thats the reason..this lil thing i created got too big for its boots...
I don't know if the same parallel applies here, so will not comment on what happened after that. the cirsumstances in which the 2 families are meeting can make a lot of difference, and that example might be totally irrelevant.
and with each year in the big city, it digs a little deeper into the real face. the real me. sometimes the innumerable lies i have told feel real.
but i wouldn't worry so much. it is but for a reason. i am glad you are writing this, as you are aware of that person still. grappling inside. but alive.
and all it takes is the right person. when the mask falls apart.
till then wear it. enjoy it, even.