From a Marriage

I watched 'Revolutionary Road' last night and it brought back so many memories. Good ones, bad ones, ones I don't share with anyone, not even myself anymore. I could see R and I, having the same fights, fights over individuality, fights over change, fights over wanting to be different, and lead a life 'less than normal'. Maybe we didn't exactly pack our bags and decide to go to Paris. If Kate and Leo had in the movie, I know exactly how that story would have ended. Kate would have supported Leo's 'hopeless emptines', working day after day, cooking, cleaning, trying to redefine herself for love, while Leo would have realised that he didn't want a marriage after all. Maybe the artists of Paris would have been his new haven.

Yes, I know exactly how that story ends. Funny part is, I had a long discussion about this with my sister post the movie. I used to believe then that love was unconditional, free and forever. I still believe the 'forever' part, but I'm not too sure about the unconditonal and free.

R and me wanted to live like that. Differently. We ensured our lives were not stagnated by routine, or the dearth of learning. We didn't care if we had no new clothes to wear. We ensured we bought 50 books every month, watched world cinema, attended shows, cooked together, learnt together. We were so hungry to grow that we forgot to love. And that pulled us apart.

I also believe now that even though people say that it's better to argue and fight, and let it out, it's not wise to display anger. Watching him break mirrors, throw utensils and punch walls, somewhere I picked up on that anger, not wanting to be left out. And before you realise it, you've changed. The anger consumes you and guilts you into not respecting the other person.

What's the secret of a strong marriage? I wouldn't say passion, love, sex or friendship. I would say the key word is 'respect'. That's what I've learnt from my failure. And the ability to accept change, to know that the person you fell in love with is not always going to be the same person. Also, the day you start numbing yourself and reach the point where nothing matters, just as Kate tells Leo in the film, "I don't care who you fuck", that's already the end there. Anything beyond that will only be a compromise.

I wish I knew all this 7 years back. Not that my trying would have changed anything. R had changed, and not even love can stop change. From being the golden couple that everyone envied, we went to being unknown to each other. I know you read my blog R. I think this is the first time I'm talking about us so openly. You would still say it was all your fault. You're the bad man, I'm the angel who put up with your shit. I would still agree. But somewhere I know that it wasn't your fault. It wasn't anyone's fault.

It's all good now. It's all good. That's the thing with love. There are never any enemies there, only lost friends.

"Wake up naked drinking coffee

Making plans to change the world

While the world is changing us

It was good good love"