I don't know if this is mid life crisis. All I know is I'm questioning everything that I am so far, my job, my emotional and spiritual being, my concepts of love, my home and homelessness, my roots and rootlessness.
A good way to start would be I'm lost. I'm also feeling utterly nihilistic. I want to break down everything I've created so far and start from nothing. Everything I've achieved so far seems futile, every emotion I've felt wasted, every dream I've dreamt ridiculous. It's time to dream new dreams. I can't be the monk who sold his Ferrari because I don't have one. I have a house, right now only a house, not a home. It's my shelter from the world, where I hide and pretend that I'm safe from myself.
I haven't felt this way in the last 8 or 9 years. This recklessness, this impatience, this wanting to break free. It could mean losing everything I've achieved so far. But it's a risk I'm willing to take. For me, for life.
Sometimes I think we lack the courage to follow our dreams. Sometimes, we have just forgotten how to dream. It takes long, sleepless nights to bring back the ability to dream again. And luckily for me, I've had enough of those.
I'm on the brink,
I'm at the end,
of the journey I started,
My score is decent,
but my satisfaction low,
Should I Restart the game,
or would that mean I'm a quitter?
Is it okay to quit when you know,
you can do better at another game?
Or is it easier to switch off,
and watch the world go by?
I will join the world later
Right now, just let me watch
it go by.