Tell Me No More of Enchanted Days

I've been living In the land of No's.  Thick fog blanket Pushing my seeking eyes.  I see dew everywhere,  But I cannot see any light.  Will you publish my story?  No.  Can I be a teacher in your school?  No.  I will write anything you like.  No.  Can I get more money?  No.  Am I a good wife?  No.  Will the past ever come back?  No.  Am I worthy? Am I loved?  Will I leave a mark in this world?  Do you think I'm kind?  Unforgettable? Adorable?  No. No. No.  Am I a quitter? No.  Will I stop trying? No.  Will I lose this fight? No.  I laugh finally. I laugh so hard.  Forcing my way through This army of tiny demons,  Their mouths foaming with disgust.  After a few months of battle,  I sit down. I offer them marshmallows And peanut coated chocolates,  Candies pink, green, orange, yellow.  I befriend them and talk it through.  'Look, I can wait, I can wait a long time,  Just tell me where to find affirmations, I won't tell anyone, just point it out. ' They tell me abou

'What is that sound?' 'It's a bird, of course! ' 'What bird sounds like that? ' 'I think some sort of dove. This is not the mourning dove. This is a cuckoo dove. ' 'How do you possess all this absolutely useless knowledge? ' 'I like birds. And trees. And Google Lens. ' 'Do you think it's in pain? It sounds horribly hurt. Like it's crying. ' No, my dear. It isn't in pain. It's a mating call. Just a different sort of pain. ' 'Ohhh. It's funny no, how birds make these funny sounds when they want to have sex. Just like humans do when they are already having sex. ' 'Actually, it's not just birds. Have you heard cats in heat? They will go on and on. Moaning, crying, hoping a tomcat hears them. ' 'So what happened to us humans? Why is that we can't just go up to a person and say, you know what, I want you, I want to have sex with you? ' 'Hah! We are entering an extensive top

I sit patiently,  Examining the worthy And the rotten, stems From fresh leaves,  What to discard,  What goes in the pile  That stays, what must I Risk and how much have I paid.  I hum, I sing, partaking In ceremonies of solitude And creation, though I am aware That it will take a while.  Words bounce off walls,  'I will try to fix you,  I will try to fix you' What can be fixed will be fixed,  What must be sacrificed  Will sooner or later offer its head.  I do not like wastage,  I decide to use it in another way.  I have always been like this.  Can't have love, let's be friends.  So you hate me, why?  Let me try to convince you otherwise.  But now my back hurts,  My hands are muddy and green.  I foraged into standing lakes,  I could not find anything there but silt.  'It is your fault, it is all your fault. ' Once again, they say this to me.  Every person I ever loved,  Turned against my face,  Every boy who became a man,  Doesn't want to be that man for me. 

From the corner of my eye,  I see a dash of blue, a hint of white.  I think I see you, maybe I'm right.  Maybe I'm wrong, and I am unsure.  This isn't the first time this has happened.  It probably won't be the last this year.  Once I saw you sitting on the stairs,  When I asked what you were doing there,  You said, But I'm not here, you got it wrong.  You want to see me, that's what it's about.  I shrugged and sighed and walked away.  I still think you were there, but I guess it's okay.  I remember sitting quietly deep in meditation,  Heard footsteps and a laugh, it was disturbing.  So I opened my eyes to find you lurking.  Hello there, I said, have you come to see me?  No, you said, I'm just enjoying the scenery.  And once I watched you run past me,  Wait, wait, I said, why are you in a hurry?  I have places to go, you said, I have things to do.  I think I wanted to talk to you about myself,  But then I realised I was invisible to you.  Look, I kno

  'When I'm dead, you'll remember all the efforts I took to cook you tasty food. You'll acknowledge me when I'm dead'.  Oh no! Gasp! Just the thing I did not want to say. But it was too late. I had already said it. And of course, now that I'm a much more emotionally mature and spiritually aware person, I immediately realised what that smelt like. Self pity. Self loathing. Playing a victim. Damn, no matter how hard I try, I fall back into those familiar patterns.  Now the thing with this line, 'when I'm dead... ' is that it is a form of self solace, a sort of consolation that even if now people don't recognize your worth, one day they will. But it is the worst form of doing so. Because it also means that you believe that no one acknowledges you right now. It is also a sort of warning to the other person. Hey, if you don't see my value, then may you suffer when I'm finally gone. It reeks of low self esteem, manipulation, gaslighting and

  'You don't know how it feels. This breaking down of yourself, then rebuilding it up again. I feel as if someone is crushing my bones, as if the air in my lungs is being held back by a blanket, so dark, so suffocating... ' 'I know exactly how it feels. I've been through it, remember? ' 'I don't know what the truth is anymore, or who I am. Am I real or delusional? Is any of what I think, feel or believe real? What if I've got it all wrong? What if all logic points to the fact that I'm an idiot, that I'm creating this imaginary world around me? What if one day it collapses leaving me with nothing? And if I were to lose everything I have, who would I be? ' 'Can I ask you just one thing? Think about it honestly, truthfully, without using your overthinking brain. Give me an answer using only pure instinct. ' 'I do not know what pure instinct is. I can't trust my gut.' 'Why can't you? ' 'Because it doesn'

Another episode of 'The Crown' that got me thinking all over again. This one has the Queen realising that she and her husband, Prince Philip have drifted apart. He seems to have found an intellectual and spiritual companion in a younger more beautiful family friend. But he convinces the Queen that at his age, there is nothing physical. That she should feel relieved about that. But this disturbs her even further, because is it possible that it is actually worse than being physical with someone?  We see the monarch shedding some quiet tears as her husband complains that they have nothing in common with each other anymore. She is quiet, stable and incurious whereas he is always questioning, searching and wanting to explore and learn.  The interesting part of the episode comes at the end when the then British PM John Major has a counsel with the Queen. They talk about happy marriages and ponder over what makes a marriage last. Major responds with an anecdote about the Russian write

Sir Osmond lifted his hat,  Smiled at the lady on the sidewalk Then walked on towards home.  His wife asked him once again,  'Where were you all this while?  Who do you meet when you disappear? ' He tried to pacify her, tried his best again.  How could she ever understand Who he really was? A lost soul,  A time traveller, an alchemist, an explorer!  'Do you really want to know where I was?  Do you promise to understand? ' She would not have it any other way.  So he told her about his other wife,  The one in the other universe,  His son who was now a tall, young man,  The university where he taught philosophy.  But that was not it, there was more.  Another secret life, where he was a monk,  A country where he was a billionaire,  The disease that killed him much Before he could touch his forties.  So many lives in so many worlds.  'So why be here when you could Choose to be in any other life? ' He told her the choice was already made,  That the past always changes