Thanatosis

I've been living

In the land of No's. 

Thick fog blanket

Pushing my seeking eyes. 

I see dew everywhere, 

But I cannot see any light. 

Will you publish my story? 

No. 

Can I be a teacher in your school? 

No. 

I will write anything you like. 

No. 

Can I get more money? 

No. 

Am I a good wife? 

No. 

Will the past ever come back? 

No. 

Am I worthy? Am I loved? 

Will I leave a mark in this world? 

Do you think I'm kind? 

Unforgettable? Adorable? 

No. No. No. 

Am I a quitter? No. 

Will I stop trying? No. 

Will I lose this fight? No. 

I laugh finally. I laugh so hard. 

Forcing my way through

This army of tiny demons, 

Their mouths foaming with disgust. 

After a few months of battle, 

I sit down. I offer them marshmallows

And peanut coated chocolates, 

Candies pink, green, orange, yellow. 

I befriend them and talk it through. 

'Look, I can wait, I can wait a long time, 

Just tell me where to find affirmations,

I won't tell anyone, just point it out. '

They tell me about the top of the hill, 

It's not far from here, it's hardly a walk. 

So I say thank you, I'm on my way. 

At the peak,  I find a tiny playground

And a yellow dog with a painted smile. 

'Hello there, where can I find Yes? '

It looks at me, but it doesn't move its mouth. 

It runs away to a dark cave, wagging its tail. 

I follow and find its empty and cold again. 

The demons fooled me or maybe I lost my way. 

In any case, I don't care anymore. 

I'm tired and decide to spend the night there. 

In the morning, I step out of the cave.

The fog has cleared up, the sun is out.

I marvel at the view, I breathe the crisp air in. 

Am I happy? 

Yes.

Am I at peace? 

Yes. 

Will everything work out eventually? 

Yes. 

Will it be just as I asked for? 

Maybe. 

Maybe not. 

Will it matter in the end, 

If I won or lost? 

No. 

All I know is, 

All will be, 

All will be, 

All will be. 

To be Or

Not to be? 

Was never

A question at all.