Nature Calls

'What is that sound?'

'It's a bird, of course! '

'What bird sounds like that? '

'I think some sort of dove. This is not the mourning dove. This is a cuckoo dove. '

'How do you possess all this absolutely useless knowledge? '

'I like birds. And trees. And Google Lens. '

'Do you think it's in pain? It sounds horribly hurt. Like it's crying. '

No, my dear. It isn't in pain. It's a mating call. Just a different sort of pain. '

'Ohhh. It's funny no, how birds make these funny sounds when they want to have sex. Just like humans do when they are already having sex. '

'Actually, it's not just birds. Have you heard cats in heat? They will go on and on. Moaning, crying, hoping a tomcat hears them. '

'So what happened to us humans? Why is that we can't just go up to a person and say, you know what, I want you, I want to have sex with you? '

'Hah! We are entering an extensive topic, the world of evolution and civilzation here. Of course, humans have their signals too. But then it isn't limited to just copulation. There's wooing, mind games, denial, chasing, running, teasing, expectations, dating, marriage, procreation... You know the drill. '

'It's sad, isn't it? '

'Awfully sad. But then thanks to it, our children have fathers who don't desert them. In nature, the role of the male is not linked to fatherhood at all. He just sows his seeds, and off he goes into the sunset. '

'You mean as if he's Godsent, right? '

'Spermspent, more like it. Now, back when we were cavemen and there was hardly a concept of a village, do you think a woman restricted herself to one man? No, because the more partners she had, the more offspring she had. The gene pool expanded and that helped keep our species alive. That is how we evolved. '

'Why can't we do that anymore? Okay, honestly, truthfully, if I were to ask you, do you ever imagine what kind of children you would have had with other partners, what would you say? '

'I would admit that the thought has crossed my mind. But the whole idea of limiting sex to procreation is stifling for me. Why does a woman have to have sex just to have children? '

'You are right. So what does a woman in heat do?'

'Exactly what the birds do! Dress up, walk into the middle of the road and make cooing sounds. '

'Ha ha. Very funny. Wait, you are not serious, are you? '

'In a way. Look, mating works in a very simple way. In most species, the male dances, smells, wooes the female, basically tries to impress her. He tries to spread his feathers wider, some animals stand upright. He wants to look bigger so that the female considers him worthy and strong enough to mate with.'

'Okay, so if a man likes me, he will walk taller, spread his legs more, with open body language, will say things to impress me, right?'

'Right.'

'And if I want to impress him, what do I do? '

'Nothing. '

'How does that work? '

'The male likes to chase. All the female has to do is be around him, look at him, smile. Men can smell desire; female pheromones decide whether you are suitable for mating or not. If he is attracted to you, he will make the move, he will come to you. If he doesn't, too bad. You can't keep cooing and prancing around him all the time. '

'Isn't this a rather old fashioned and misogynistic point of view? '

'It is. But it is tried and tested. Unfortunately, this is how it works. The female must attract the male, the male must impress her at any cost. Then the male must make the first move. Humans have over time perfected the art of seduction. Unlike animals, we have language and communication. If the seduction has to move to a relationship, that's how it all helps. '

'Wait, are you saying, first have sex, then a relationship? '

'If you can't have sex, why have a relationship in the first place? '

'Human values - love, empathy, affection, understanding? '

'For how long? Without sex, the male-female equation is pointless. I'm not including friendship in this. Though, how many male friends have you had for a long time who didn't want to have sex with you? '

'You really are quite logical, aren't you? '

'Maybe. Most people would not say that about me. '

'So what do I do if I'm in heat? '

'Wear a cat costume, leather leotards, red lipstick, a tail, stick out your claws and go out to a party. I can guarantee you all the men would want to have sex with you. '

'You are joking again, aren't you? '

'Yes, my dear. You don't have to do anything except be yourself.'

'Thanks. '

'You can try laughing though. Men like women who laugh. '

'Ah, I get it. I would sound like a dove then. A totally cuckoo dove. '

'Laugh, kookaburra, laugh, gay your life must 

be. '

'Coo. Coo. '

'Coo to you too. '