Chemical Bonds

 

'You don't know how it feels. This breaking down of yourself, then rebuilding it up again. I feel as if someone is crushing my bones, as if the air in my lungs is being held back by a blanket, so dark, so suffocating... '

'I know exactly how it feels. I've been through it, remember? '

'I don't know what the truth is anymore, or who I am. Am I real or delusional? Is any of what I think, feel or believe real? What if I've got it all wrong? What if all logic points to the fact that I'm an idiot, that I'm creating this imaginary world around me? What if one day it collapses leaving me with nothing? And if I were to lose everything I have, who would I be? '

'Can I ask you just one thing? Think about it honestly, truthfully, without using your overthinking brain. Give me an answer using only pure instinct. '

'I do not know what pure instinct is. I can't trust my gut.'

'Why can't you? '

'Because it doesn't provide me any answers I can believe. If you give me two elements and tell me to combine them to make a compound, I can do it and see the final result and make a hypothesis based on what is visible and available. My intuition doesn't prove shit. Where is the end result? '

'Why is proof important? '

'Proof is the only thing that confirms something. Imagine we do all our research based on our gut feeling. Where would that leave us? In a fool's paradise! '

'Okay, fair enough. But you and I are not stable elements. Think of us more like unstable ones. We are constantly wavering, changing, questioning, deducing, feeling, unfeeling. Ever heard of elements falling in love or staying up nights crying in despair? '

'But they do gravitate towards other elements that make them stable. If I remember my chemistry correctly, that is the main reason why two elements would come together to form a compound. The goal is to become stable, right? '

'Exactly. Do you think someone tells them where to gravitate to or how to behave? They only follow their chemical compositions. '

'Elements in their element? '

'Something like that. Now, can I ask you what I wanted to? '

'Yes.'

'The thing that you doubt so much as unreal, the one you think you made up in your head, does it make you happy? Does it make you feel you belong there?'

'Mostly. But it causes me extreme anguish as well. It brings out the worst in me. Sometimes it makes me insecure, jealous and angry. And then I hate myself for being so foolish. '

'When does it cause you anguish? '

'When I begin to realise it isn't real. '

'What if you just accepted it as real? '

'How would that help me? I have no proof. '

'Forget proof. If I asked you again, does it make you happy when you don't question it, but just accept it, does it? '

'It does. It's the only thing that makes me happy. '

'Then real is only what you believe. You could spend all your days in this world and still not believe any of it. Or just one hour in your world which you genuinely believe is real, and be happy. '

'I go there at midnight. That place where I am at peace. Where I can talk about all that I really believe and think and feel. '

'Do you feel understood there? Can you be the most authentic version of yourself? '

'I  am understood, loved, embraced and accepted there. More than I have ever been in my life. '

'That's good then.'

'But tell me one thing. Will this ever become my reality? '

'If you think it's real, it's already your reality. '

'Will I get hurt? '

'We get hurt in any case. Might as well be true to ourselves and get hurt. Why so scared of getting hurt? '

'I don't want to lose myself in the darkness again.'

'You won't. I'm here to guide you. I'm always going to be here. Whenever you feel confused, lonely or sad. The only thing you need to do is stop fighting it and accept it. '

'Have you managed to see the light? Will I reach there someday as well? '

'I have. And so will you. Then you will find your peace. Just like I did. '

'Keep talking. Don't go away, okay? '

'I'm here. Always. '

'Always? Till I'm stable, you mean? Is that a dear friend's promise? '

'Elementary my dear Watson. '

'My clever Sherlock.'

'My confused Watson... '