Welcome Home

 "Home is where the heart is", " First you roam, then you're home".

I've been thinking about what finding home means. Is it a physical place, a mental place or an emotional place?

Since I was young, I always wanted a place of my own. Sharing a room with my sister, meant the usual fights over who gets what study table, who makes the bed, don't touch my side, you're stepping on my shoes. I hated sharing my space with anyone. I used to dream of having my own room one day, how I would decorate it, what posters I would put up.

Finally at 21, I set out on my own, away from home, to a new city, my own 1 room kitchen on the first floor of a bungalow. It wasn't easy living alone. I was sick a lot with some medical issues and nights lying in bed in pain alone wasn't fun. I missed my family but was too proud to admit it. 

For a long time after that (except for a year in between), I kept moving houses till I finally bought my own place. The sheer joy of owning your own house is unmatched to anything else property wise. It's the gold medal of a real estate marathon. Finally it hits you, so this is my place.

I set it up in my own quirky way. Sitting in my balcony, having my tea alone, I would say, those were some of the most enriching days of my life.

Of course, home isn't just physical. You have to be at peace too. When I moved to Bangalore, ten years ago, I hated it. It just didn't feel like home. How much I ever I tried to love it, it never matched up to what I felt in Mumbai. It is no doubt, a much more beautiful city. But I was changing. I was married, pregnant, and I just didn't feel like me. It wasn't Bangalore's fault at all. I wanted to cling to the old notion of me, but that wasn't going to work any more.

I threw ultimatums and forced us back to Mumbai, but that didn't feel the same too. Here I was, with a four and one year old back in my bustling city of dreams and unable to do anything I really wanted to. I realised that the concept of 'home' doesn't stay the same as well. It changes. My whole life I wanted a house by the sea. I don't any more. 

Home is also people. You meet someone and they instantly feel like home. It's a familiar sort of comfort or peace that some people bring into your lives. I know by now who my soul tribe is. People who push you to do better, who say it as it is, people who are kind and smart and caring. The older I get, the more I don't want to invest in people who are not kind or open minded. We attract our tribe. We attract those who may outwardly seem different, but ideologically are just like us.

I still have a notion of home in my head. The place where I grew up, the place with hills and waterfalls and wild thorny bushes. My family has been given strict instructions to scatter my ashes there when I die, on the lake that I used to visit, whenever I felt down and out.

I still have a long term goal. Of buying, my own cottage. With a porch and a small garden, where I will spend my older days. And a cat of course! I have been managing my finances, investing, all this to be able to make this home my reality.

These days, I have many homes. My imagination has created all these places in my head that I have easy access to. All I have to do is want to go there. So I never feel that I don't belong. I belong everywhere. I belong with everyone. I am finally, who I have always wanted to be. I am finally, home.