You want, I want, but we dont want

 Love has many languages, some expressed, some unexpressed, some loud and some quiet as a mouse. Some people are romantic on the outside, but duds in the bedroom. Others seem as boring as thermocol but are simmering volcanoes underneath.

We all love in different measures, but we all have loved or continue to do so. Unfortunately human relationships are rarely uncomplicated, and we feel if we love, that's enough and everything will be hunky dory. Until you hit adulting, then things aren't that simple any more. We become more defined and stubborn and set in our ways.

This is a rather honest post, because that's the only way I know how to do it. The time to hide under the garb of, we are married, and hence don't talk about certain things is past. I want to especially talk about the stuff I'm not supposed to talk about.

I'm aware that most men don't talk about such things, but most women do. Most of my friends are married, and we talk about things like sex or the lack of it, chemistry, expectations and if they are met or not, monogamy and its advantages and disadvantages, basically the full spectrum.

Recently a lot of discussion has been happening on love languages, the psychological test that determines how we express love or prefer to receive it.

Imagine a situation where you like to do acts of service like cooking for your partner, going out of your way to help them file their taxes, or basically do stuff that goes the extra mile (housework/kids should be divided in any relationship, so that can't be included here). 

You feel like you have displayed your love by doing all this, but that's not what your partner considers love. Your partner wants you to open up, express your love, say it, communicate, which you never do, so they feel you don't love them anymore. You don't get appreciated for your acts of love and they don't get appreciated for openly expressing their love for you, because for you, that's not important at all.

We can't change who we are, but we can openly share what we prefer. My love language is touch. For me, physical affirmations are important. A hug, an unexpected kiss, a hand on the shoulder, these are the things that generate my oxytocin. You can say I love you, all you want. But that isn't enough for me. If you don't reach out and touch I wouldn't believe it anyway.

Our childhood, our past, our traumas, our parents, our stories, a lot has a part to play in what kind of love is important to us. If you grow up seeing fights, you want respect, if you grow up seeing infidelity, loyalty would be top of your list. And it's okay. As long as we give our partners what they yearn for.

Sometimes people try very hard to change to become what their partners need, but are unable to do so. Sometimes both partners want the other one to make the initiative first. In any case, what's most important is honesty. If you are not satisfied, speak up and don't let things fester. 

Life is too short to be unhappy. Love is too important to be left withering away. Actually our love language can also change with time and what was once important to us may not be any more. Sometimes both partners try to make the other happy, but it still isn't enough.

So say what you want. Give it your best shot. And if all still fails, at least you know you tried.

And what if my words are never enough?

And what if the dawn always turns to dusk?

Would you still wait for me behind the door?

Or would you close it shut because 

I never said I expected you to stay?