Who Do You Love?

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My family got into a funny situation last week. It all started with me being extra sweet to my younger one. I do admit, I'm kinder to him and call him my 'ball of positive energy'. It got him declaring to everyone, 'It's because Momma loves me the most in the world'.

The elder raised his eyebrows and turned to him,' You know that's not true, don't you? We all know who she loves the most.'

They started bickering and the question that I was avoiding hit me in the face. I dodged it like most parents do, by saying I loved them both equally.

The elder one didn't give up. 'That's all lies. Everyone has that one person they love more than anyone.'

The younger one added to the confusion by saying, 'Maybe it's Daddy she loves the most.'

The elder one speculated, 'I don't think so. Not more than us. Maybe it's her mother. She does keep talking about how much she loves her mother.'

I said, 'I love everyone. Equally. I love my family. My friends. Even all my stupid exes.'

The elder one giggled. 'How many exes have you had?'

'Nothing for you to worry about Mister.'

Now, it is true that I do love everyone. I just forgot to mention the person at the top of my list. Me.

I do love myself the most. I am not a narcissist. Just someone who has struggled all my life to put myself first. So there did come a point in my life when I decided all that had to change. If I could not fill my own cup, how else would I give from it?

I had made myself a promise 17 years ago that I would never put anyone above me. There are times I forget that and put myself so out there, making other people the centre of my life, that I have to gently remind myself of that promise and reel myself back in.

There are things about myself I hate too. I am my own worst critic. And the negative thoughts will keep trying to control my mind, telling me how I am not worthy of love. I have learnt to shut them down. I am worthy. I am trying, each single day to learn to love unconditionally.  I am worthy.

So back to the conversation.  The smooth talker that I am, I finally convinced all of them. Should I have been honest? No. If everyone in the world were told how much they are loved every single day, the world would be a much better place. As it should be.

After we cleared the table, the elder one with his self proclaimed mind reading and psychic powers, whispered to me. 'I read your mind. You don't have to even say it. I know it's me.'

I smiled and nodded in agreement.


'Cause I know what I'm meant to be
I don't need no one to believe
When it's all been said and done
I'm still my number one

-- #1, Imagine Dragons


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