On the Couch

 

So I finally went ahead and did what I should have done years ago. I started therapy. Unlike the misconception that it has to be associated with mental health disorders, it is rather, just associated with mental health.

I have been trying for some years to deal with my past issues, my baggage, the anger, the abandonment, the anxiety, the detachment, the depression, all of the stuff simmering inside me. And I have made a fair level of progress. But it had reached a point where I needed professional help to guide me through. So after another breakdown, I decided to go ahead and reach out for that.

 Special thanks to my best friend V, who is the most sane voice in my life to give me that push. Everyone else can wait. Everything else can take a backseat. You need to focus only on yourself right now, she said. Absolutely true. How can I save anything, my kids, my marriage or my life path, if I couldn't save myself first?

The first session in itself, had me breaking down. My therapist listened, never judged, didn't ask questions, and I relaxed finally. There is work to be done, but it will have to be done by me. There are three things that stayed in my mind after our one and a half hour long conversation.

Self sabotage. Her words. Not mine. Yes, I agree. The reasons are still unknown yet. But the way I am behaving right now, I truly would be going down the path of destroying everything I have built around my life so far. I suppose it comes with thinking one is not good enough. But the purpose of this help is to change one's negative behaviour patterns and beliefs and replace them with positive ones.

Victim. Do I see myself as one? Maybe. Maybe that's the reason for feeling so utterly helpless that I would not mind just giving up on everything. Do I want to be the victim? No. I'm the hero in my story. I don't want to be the victim. 

Strong, self aware and highly intelligent. Half the battle is won right there. If my shrink thinks I'm that in spite of being ridiculously self critical and unable to set boundaries, then I can also easily realise where I'm going wrong, and start working on my limitations.

The main work will start with the hypnotherapy sessions. Why hypnotherapy? Because it's easier to reach the subconscious and tackle the core issues straightaway without wasting any time on the masks and the facades. I'm very excited to be undergoing this and not the least bit scared.

Luckily, I have found someone who is a psychologist but understands energetic identities as well. So if we are to work on my anger, we first have to figure out if it's my anger or someone else's anger that I picked up on that we are dealing with. If I have a pain in my foot (hypothetically), is it my pain, or someone else's pain, that I, as an empath, have subconsciously imbibed in order to feel closer to them?

I feel I'm on the right path. I tried to do all this on my own but it got too much for me to handle. The last two years have made it even tougher. To add to my already existing complex range of emotions, I piled on some more, and some more and I wasn't ready to tackle any more on my plate. The plate toppled over and made a mess. I need to find my centre again and hold still and I'm ready to put in the work for that.

When she asked me, do you want to be happy, I told her I wasn't looking for happiness, I was looking for stability. I don't want to be a wavering, emotional mess anymore. I'm looking for peace. Not happiness, not love, not acknowledgment, not excitement. I am looking for peace. And I won't stop making myself better till I find it. And keep it. And be still. Just be still.