Weathering With Grace

 

I met Munni Aunty today after a long time. Munni Aunty is this 85 year old wheelchair bound paralysed lady who stays in my building. I usually go over to her and hold her hands and talk to her, and though she can't speak, just mutter incoherently, she always recognises me.

Today, her caretaker complained that Munni Aunty doesn't even inform about going to the loo anymore. I held her hands for a long time, and picked up on her energies. She was still young at heart, and her brain was sharp, even though her body had failed her. 

I saw her past, young and vivacious, listening to songs on the radio and open heartedly giving love to everyone around her. When I asked her if she used to listen to Hindi film songs, her face lit up. Then she started crying. I tried to make sense of what she was saying, but couldn't. When her caretaker informed that her son doesn't visit her anymore, neither does he call, she cried some more. I kept holding her, telling her it's okay. It's only her body that has given up, not her heart. Her heart still gets overwhelmed, but she has to work on her body.  

She nodded and agreed. She muttered TV and then Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi. Amazing, so she does remember what she used to watch on TV 20 years ago! I requested her caretaker to play her music, but who knows if she will?

Old age scares me. No matter what you do, if your body fails you, you are dependant on others. I talk a lot to old people and there is this other lady who's a little younger but very active. I see her walking, doing yoga. We have conversations about mental and emotional health. When I told her the other day, "I want to grow old to be like you", she said, "Beta, you will be better than me. I see the effort you put in."

I told her I feel lost at most times, and I don't know if I'm on the right path. She said,"Trust Him. He will take you down the right path. Put your faith in Him."

Now, faith is something I'm not very good at. I often put my faith in people, hoping they will not let me down. But I guess, that is putting faith in creatures made of blood and skin, fear and pain, hope and delusion. Why would they not let me down? To put your faith in something bigger than that, someone you can't even see or blame, that is real faith.

No one really knows how we will be as old people. What one can do right now is better yourself each day so that you lighten your load as you reach the end. I was having a conversation with my mother in law some time back about growing old. 

I told her I want to be wise, but I also want to be light. I want to be a funny old lady who makes everyone laugh and be happy go lucky. I want to take everyone's sadness away.

She said that those are the kind of old women who have not understood life and just go along not taking old age seriously. If you couldn't learn to embrace silence at an old age, you haven't learnt anything at all. 

Now my mother in law is a spiritual lady who has fought her battles bravely and is into Art of Living and stuff like that. But I respectfully told her I don't agree. These are exactly the kind of women who have understood life. If you can't laugh at your life when you're old, when will you?

Old ladies are my heroes. It would be a privilege for me to grow old and become like one of them. My only prayer is to keep my body active even at 85, so I may be able to help others and not be a burden on anyone. And live with strength, always live with strength.

And when I'm grey and crumbling,

A shaky kitchen with a broken door,

Be kind and still light a fire in my hearth,

I may smell of pumpkin soup and stew,

But I still dream of days of wine and roast.