Bigg Boss

Kitchoo called up his wife for the fourth time in the day. He was hoping she wouldn't yell at him. 

"Hello."

"Tina, it's me. "

"Offo. What is it this time? "

"Just like that. Did the baby kick? "

"You asked me same question half hour back. You think this is a baby or a footballer? "

"Don't get angry, sweetheart. "

"Sweetheart? Why are you wasting my time? I have to cook lunch then do ironing. "

"Tina. Don't do so much work na. "

"Okay. You come home and do ironing then. "

"But but, I'm busy. I have a call at night. "

Tina grumbled angrily and slammed the phone. 

Kitchu smiled to himself. It was probably hormones. They say a woman goes mad in pregnancy. Crazy monster. Laughing one minute, crying the next. 

Tina would soon complete three months. He went back in time to the night the baby was conceived. Tina sat on his lap when he was watching TV. It was a Sunday and he was watching Bigg Boss. 

She fondled him through his dirty black shorts that he wore all the time at home and said she wanted to see the real Bigg Boss. It was such a turn on. 

He snorted out loudly, his tea getting stuck in his nose. Then there was a coughing fit. 

Mahesh came to his cubicle and patted his back. 

"Kya hua bhai? "

Kitchu drank some water. 

"Arre, I laughed so I choked. "

"Tell me the joke too. "

"No, no. It is non veg. "

"I eat non veg. Only no pork and beef. "

"Okay come close. Will tell you in your ear."

Mahesh turned red on listening to Kitchu's nostalgic oversharing. 

"Bhabi ji is quite bold no? "

"Na re. Nothing like that. Every time, I would approach her, she would say, monthly, monthly. How many times in a month does monthly come?"

"I think 12 times. "

"Rubbish. Monthly means once a month. I think. I'm not so sure any more. "

"Achcha. So what got her so much in the mood that night?  Let me try with Vasudha also "

"I don't know. Maybe Salman Khan. Or the fact that I was not looking at her. These women like it when you don't give them any attention. "

"Whatever you did, worked. Good, good. First trimester over? "

"Almost. We had sex during Navratri. It was ashthami day, I remember. Forgive me Durge. "

"Navratri was in October. It is February now. Bhabhi ji is on fourth month. "

"No, no. That is not possible. She told me it is three months. "

Mahesh scratched his head. 

"There is some miscalculation error. When is baby due? "

"July end. "

Kitchu was quiet now. He blurt out loudly. 

"Something is not right. Do you think she is lying to me? "

Mahesh consoled him. 

"Kitchu bhai. Don't jump to concussions. There is some logic. Nothing is without logic. "

"Concluejhans."

"Kya? "

"Mahesh, use right English. "

"Oh oh. All right. Sorry. "

Kitchu picked up the phone and gestured to Mahesh to be quiet. He dialled her number and put it on speaker. 

"Hello! What is it now? Don't you have any work in the office?"

"Tina. Don't mind. I have to ask something. "

"What? I'm busy. Just going for bath. '

" Tina, how many months? "

"How many months for what?"

"For baby to come? "

"When you give order on Zomato, baby will come! Like pizza, burger!"

"Don't get angry Tina. Just once tell me. When is due time? "

"Seriously, what is it? You want to open FD?"

"Just tell no. "

"July."

"When July? "

"Whenever God wants. No fixed time. 8 months, 9 months, no guarantee. "

"Why no fixed time? Everyone else gets fixed time. "

"When baby wants to come, baby comes. Now, can I go take a bath? "

"Yes, yes."

"You will do ironing? "

"What? I have enough clothes."

"You said you will do ironing on coming home. "

"Okay. I'm busy now. Going. "

He disconnected the call and covered his forehead with his palms. 

"I am confused Mahesh. Why she is not giving me straight answer? "

Mahesh was silent. Then he opened his mouth and covered it with his forefingers. 

"If I say what I think, you won't get angry? "

"If I don't know what you are going to say, how can I tell? "

"Kitchu, bhabhi loves you? "

"I don't know. Why you asking? "

"What if there is someone else? "

Kitchu looked shocked and looked at Mahesh in disgust. Then he looked pale. 

"You mean to say Tina was already pregnant that night? "

"I don't know. You used condom? "

"Chee, no, I hate condom. I have problem in getting ready in any way. Takes time. Then takes no time in going. Like 2 minute stop at Kalyan station. "

"You have erection malfunction? "

"No, no. Nothing like that. It is common. Happens to everyone. It is a husband wife problem. "

"Yes, you are right. Think of Sunny Leone when that happens. "

"Mahesh, what if she tricked me? "

"Who could the man be? "

"Maybe yoga teacher. Or our neighbour Pinto. "

"Who is Pinto? "

"Bachelor boy. Always asking for recipes from her. "

"How he looks? "

"Very tall. And got tattoos. "

"They should ban these bloody tattos. All boys, girls, with tattos, very bad. It's a secret code for free sex. Boy with tattoo sees girl with tattoo. They know we both gonna do it. "

"Mahesh, what to do? "

"Just ask her! "

"No, I'm scared. "

"Be manly Kitchu. Be manly. "

Kitchu called up Tina again. 

"Hello Tina. Don't get angry and don't keep phone. Is baby my baby or neighbour's baby? "

Tina sighed. There was pin drop silence. 

Then she started laughing. She laughed like a hyena on bhang. 

"What is so funny? "

"You are funny. So funny.  Very cute. Now, listen come home early today. I got surprise for you. "

"I got enough surprise. Now what you want to give me? "

"It is Valentine's Day. Special surprise. "

Kitchu was confused now. But he relented. 

"First answer. Exact day of baby coming. "

"July 14. Happy? "

"Why you said you don't know? "

"Because I was hoping it doesn't come then. "

"Why? "

"If it comes on July 1, it will be same as my Papa's birthday and if it comes July 20, it will be same as your sister's birthday. "

"Oh ho. That is why you so much in secret? "

"No secret from you. Only surprise.  Come home early today. "

"We go out? "

"No, I will make malai kofta and we will watch TV. "

"New movie? "

"No, not to be missed. Bigg Boss finals. "

Mahesh started laughing in the background. 

"Who is that laughing so loud? "

"No one, my darling baby. No one. Just my boss. "