On being vulnerable

 

So, I've been on a break from my blog for a while. The plan was never to come back to it, but the reasons were all wrong. 

I stopped writing because I was afraid and fed up. Afraid of being judged for what I write, as if everything I write is nothing but the complete truth. For the thoughts I think, the stories I make up, the visions I receive, for being nothing but me unapologetically, I was afraid. 

I was told I was offending people with my brutal honesty, I was told, you write how you feel, don't you? No, I don't all the time. Because if I did do that, there would be no one left in my life. Be thankful that I don't write all of the truth here. Why are people so scared of the truth? In any case, my life is mine, my words are mine, so if hearing them makes you uncomfortable, then fuck off. 

The second part was the unidentified people lurking away in my space, wanting to know my every thought and emotion. The ones who never comment, come here slyly with your VPNS and your duckduckgo. What are yours fears? You like reading what I write, say it. Drop a Hi even if I don't know you. And if I do know you, then please be aware that I also know who you are. I'm done trying to censor my words over unknown ghosts who will never have the courage to ever express their realities. 

I had lately begun to believe that vulnerability is a sign of weakness. In my spiritual journey, I put my guards up, hoping to reveal myself only when I was stoic and unmoved. What a load of bullshit! For the last two years, I have held on so tightly to the idea of who I wanted to be that I completely suppressed who I really was. 

Vulnerability is not a weakness. It is the ability to be able to accept your flaws and embrace your pain. My epiphany came yesterday. I was watching 'Breaking Bad' and a fucked up drug dealer Jesse Pinkman lands up in rehab after his girlfriend dies of a drug overdose. The counsellor asks everyone, why are you here, is to better yourself? They all nod. The counsellor laughs. He says, wrong answer. First you must accept yourself. 

All the Jungian shadow work talks about accepting your shadow self. How did I not realise that by trying to change myself completely, I was just running away once again? My shadow self is vulnerable, highly emotional, whimsical and maybe even depressive to a large extent. But it looks for ways to celebrate life and still find joy in it. Why was I trying to become an emotionally restrained, quiet, sorted out person? I stopped talking, laughing, loving, dancing, cooking, acting impulsively all so that I could be more mature. And it shows on my face right now. I have the worst ezcema attack since childhood, nothing is right in my body, I always feel as if I have something in my stomach chakra that is stuck and crying out to be released. It is my inner child. I locked it up and now I look like an old woman. 

I attended a spiritual retreat and even though it was nothing earth shattering, I did realise I have put up a guard. I met a girl who turned out to be a younger mirror version of me and we bonded like sheer madness. She cried, broke down, laughed, danced and I held her tightly each time, almost as if trying to say, don't change, don't change. This is what makes you so special. 

When the facilitator spoke about not holding onto things just because we are scared to be empty, it hit me hard. I had been doing exactly that, holding onto tired, outdated emotions only because I was afraid if I released them, I would no longer feel the same way I felt before the next time around. When I was asked to introduce myself, I said I did not believe in labels. But did I say that only to sound more profound? Of course, I believed in labels. How else would I make sense of things? 

I said, the journey towards peace has been a long and difficult one, and I meant it. I am a work in progress. There is always one step forward, two steps backwards in this journey. I'm not supposed to make sense of things all the time. I have finally stopped pushing against the current. I have said to the Universe, I trust you. Do things your way. 

I also realised another thing lately. That my intuition is not wrong. I have been right about things, I am right about seeing and believing that which has no basis in facts or logic. I have been right, and people's actions will not fool me into thinking otherwise. 

Yesterday as I was sitting, scrolling through my fb page, a voice started talking. It said, thank you for being there for me every time I needed you. I scrolled back and forth madly to see which video had this audio in it. But I found only ads. I had heard it loud and clear, I hadn't imagined it. But the message was sent to me at the right time, just when I needed it. So now, it's a fresh start for me. 

I am going to write on this blog. And I am not going to close it, censor it, monitor it. This is my space, my home. You are welcome here, but please leave your judgement outside the door. I am not striving for perfection any more, only striving to be true to myself. 

If all the leaves that fell were green, how would you identify the ones that have died?