Gravestone
The shadow of the moon
Falls slowly, darkly,
On my pillow, where I hold
It in my fingers as I clutch
Its remains to illuminate
My dreams, these dreams these days
That are cold and barren, ice capped
Peaks I see, and empty, burnt down fields.
I try hard to capture what is it I feel,
I want to put down in words
This nothingness that has so unexpectedly
Become a part of me, that it astounds
And liberates my soul. How strange it is
To feel and yet not. I think of myself
As a wall. I will not crumble anymore.
These are the secrets these walls hold
Do we carry our secrets, or do
Our secrets carry us? These burdens
I have now released to lighten my load.
I can still hear the words unsaid,
They come to me when I lay down.
A whisper, a murmur, an apology,
Sometimes a cry for lust, pulling
My hair, screaming out loud.
Don't do this, it says. Don't let me go.
But I have no choice anymore.
My wall wants to keep me alive.
Enough, it says. You've had enough.
Now come behind me and rest.
I want to rest, I want to die
For a day, so I can return
As someone new, someone else,
Someone who remembers nothing,
Loves nothing, needs nothing.
But my ribs break as I cough
All night into the mossy bricks
Of my seepened walls; the water
From my eyes has dried into forage
Of grains of dust, and seeds of life
Have grown on the inside,
Sprouting little daisies of white.
But on the outside, you cannot see me.
All you see is a grave stone,
I am gone, you think.
But I'm still here, behind this wall.
You cannot call me out,
You cannot fool me anymore.
I hide my broken, feverish body,
With its burlesque, brightened bones.
You do not deserve to see me like this.
I do not deserve to be naked anymore.
I am done breaking down walls.
I become the wall you wanted me to be.
And if this is not love, what is?
And if this is not sacrifice, what is?
And if this is not endurance, what is?
Go in peace, my own heartbeat,
Go in peace, my child of stone,
Go in peace, my moon's shadow.
Go in peace, I've let you go.
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