Giving up, giving in

 

Being sick is no fun. But I always think of it as a reset button. I'm the kind of person who can never sleep during the day, unless of course, I'm sick. And whenever I do that and emerge out of that warm, dull feeling that only daytime sleep possesses, I feel like a different person. Sleep and chicken soup, the only two things that can make you feel better when your body is fighting an infection. 

I have been in my head a lot these days. The only difference is that now it's a much more pleasant place to be. I have exactly two to three people that I talk to on and off, and that's more than enough for me. They listen patiently, let me cry if I want to and on some really good days, I laugh and go back to my old self, the one who cracks witty jokes, puns and dirty innuendos. I want to keep holding on to that part of me with people I feel safe with, because it makes me feel as I haven't changed completely. 

But the truth is, I have. I've never been so silent in my entire life, except for a brief period of six months where I was dealing with my trauma all by myself. This time, it's not the same. I don't have any trauma. I'm just trying to be, not trying to figure anything out. People think I'm going through a lot and hence am so quiet. But that's not true. I have been through a lot. Just not anymore. My husband sent me a message that said, 'what you want, who you want, how and when you want it, is a mystery. Nobody except you, seems to know anything about you these days'. True. Except that I don't really want much except answers. 

My sister asked me yesterday, 'when you are alone, when you lock yourself up in your room, when you walk alone, what do you think of? '

I replied, mostly nothing. I just listen to my music, try to live in the moment. But when she prodded again, I told her, I think of how I could have done things differently in the past, how I can still do things differently, how I react, what should I do to become better. 

I used to think that having regrets is wrong. But that is arrogance talking. It is not that I am without flaws. I'm very well aware of my flaws. I don't want to repeat the mistakes of my younger self. But it's not like I want to take any action either. This is the silent or thinking phase of my life. A long deserving hiatus from my overthinking brain. I got a job offer, something that I would have done anything for six months ago. But I turned it down. I'm not the same person I was six months ago. Neither am I ready to face the world again. 

The Universe has always played these funny games with me. It never gives me something I desire with all my passion. But the minute I give up on wanting it, it falls in my lap. But then I don't want it anymore. When I'm in, I'm in. When I'm out, I'm out. That's why I tend to hold on to things so tightly and for such a long time. Because I know myself very well. The day I truly give up, I have no need for it anymore. 

I think I am being nudged more and more towards a different path. One towards detachment from the self. I used to be a very passionate person, but lately, I feel the path is diverging. I must soon choose which way I must go. Towards passion or detachment. Towards the world or towards God. Somewhere I have been hesitant in making a decision. I'm still holding on to something that I have not been able to let go of. 

To an outsider, my life looks pretty dull and routined. The action is not happening in my brain anymore, it's in my soul.  I'm changing at a very granular level. Right now as I lay in bed, trying to read while my body is saying sleep, I find myself back in my childhood. As if, I'm nine again. There is nothing to do, nothing to think of, except be present in the moment. It is an easy sort of existence. There are no extreme highs or lows. Always somewhere in the stillness. Just as I always wanted it to be. It doesn't tire or dull me. I can go on for days without stimulation, without really talking to anyone. 

But because I know the Universe well, I know it is exactly now that it's going to drop a bomb at me just to test me. June, june, june, I've been telling my best friend, something big is going to happen in June. 

Go on Universe. I'm ready.