Room

When I meditate, I try to cut out all my thoughts. She is one thought though, no matter how much I fight to evict, lingers on, like the smell of smoke in a closed room. My mind was the room, albeit one without any windows. 

I used to close my eyes only to see her face. Sometimes, she would ask me how I was doing, am I okay? At night, she would touch my cheek, come close to hold me at the waist, play with my hair or fingers. When I would tell her I'm tired, it's late, she would sigh and say, good night, I love you. 

But I could hear her tossing and turning during hours in the night, sometimes in sequences of odd numbers, 1-3-5. Other nights in halves, 2.30-4.30-5.30. Last night, she was up at 1.40, then 3.20, then 5.10. There was always a bloody pattern.

And of course, she made sure I woke up too. Sometimes, she would complain. "You are ignoring me, you are beginning to forget me". Sometimes, she was so taken over by desire that she wanted me, no matter how many times I had already satisfied her. The worst were the doubtful nights. It was on those nights that she would decide that we were both ghosts. "This is all pretence. I'm sure we have both imagined each other. None of this is real. I'm going crazy and so are you. "

And then she would disappear. For days on end. I would ask myself how do I convince her that I felt so deeply for her as well. It would make me bitter and angry. She was the one who left me and went away. The trauma I endured in our seperation would not let me breathe. They say, heartbreak is real, the physical pain is just as real. When she left without a word, without any explanations, for days on end, I saw nothing but darkness. It was as if she was gone, but still there. What could be worse than that? Than not knowing if you are living or dying. 

It has been a year since I saw her. I took to running, I started reading the Bhagvad Gita, I meditated every morning. But no matter what I did, she would not leave me. I still think of her, every hour, every minute, she hovers around my head like a fly buzzing, sitting on my skin, tickling me till I stop trying. 

I've stopped trying. I've let her stay. I've forgiven her. I have no choice. Stay. Stay here with me. I'll let you stay. 

But not when I fucking try to meditate! I try to whack her with a rolled up newspaper. Let me centre. Breathe in, breathe out. Focus back on the breathing. But no, she refuses to give in. I hear her talking to me. 

I open my eyes. She's here. Facing me, standing right in front of me. I know this is another one of my fantasies, but it feels so real. I pinch myself. It stings my arm. Maybe it is real. I do not know the difference any more. 

Her words come floating towards me. Like the smoke in the room. 

"Did I disturb you? "

I can feel the warmth of the words. I am not imagining this time. It seems she is really here. 

"What are you doing here? " I mutter, hoping she says she's come to see me. Come back only for me. 

She smiles in return. But I know she's unhappy. My heart beats on, like a shooting gun in the sky. It is ecstatic to see her, to hear her, to know she lives in flesh, so close to me. But it's agonizing torment too. My heart has held too much in. It is going to break ground and flow out, the collected waters now past their threshold. 

I cannot breathe again. I want her to say she's sorry, I want her to hold me, kiss me hard, tell me she wants me. She does not do any of that. Instead she continues pretending. 

"I had some work. That's why I'm here. "

I cannot take it anymore. I'm so full of love and pain and wanting that my eyes give away. They are pools of dead fish floating in the moonlight. I don't want her to see the beautiful rotten corpses of my love. I want to run away. 

But she sees. This time, she sees. It is not like before. Something has changed in her. 

She comes close to me and puts her hand on my cheek. Just like every night. Then she pulls me closer. I can smell her skin. I know this smell, I have always known it. 

Once she embraces me, I break down. I cry for days and years and centuries. She keeps holding me. And then she finally says it. 

"I'm sorry... I'm never going to leave you ever again... "

I hold her tighter and kiss her lips. I think I see a window. There's bright light coming in from the outside. A bird sings, the rain falls down gently on the trees outside. 

The smoke rises up and exits through the light. I feel better now that I can breathe. The smell of fresh champa flowers wafts into the room. 

We make our peace and find each other again. We keep holding each other. And when we are ready, we make our escape out of the window into the dark forest outside. Never to return into this closed room again.