Incommunicado

I have crossed another milestone in my healing journey. Of finally stopping my people pleasing behaviour. It started when I finally understood the concept of boundaries, something that was lacking in me all this while. For the life of me, I didn't know where to stop. I would continue to shower the other person with attention and affection, hoping they would feel better about themselves. Maybe if I tried harder, they would realise their worth and in turn my worth. 

The problem was I did not know my worth. My therapist had suggested last year that most survivors of sexual molestation and abuse do not understand the concept of boundaries. It takes a very long time for them to learn to stop their repetitive patterns. Blurring of boundaries also leads them to not understand the boundaries of other people. Hence the constant love bombing, anxious attachment, codependency and not picking up on subtle cues that the other person is uncomfortable. 

My lesson now is that I will only invest where I feel I am respected and reciprocated. I'm not selfless, I do not possess an unlimited supply of love to give. If you can't give me decent communication, I will not hesitate to chuck you out of my life for good. 

I have realised one thing that I value more than anything in all my equations with people. Open and frank communication. I'm too old to play mind games with people. I was never good at it and it makes me extremely bored to be honest. Ego games are the worst. People who indulge in these are red flags for me. I'll be out of the door if I sense any kind of sneaky, manipulative behaviour. 

So this year has been all about cutting people off. Decluttering those who don't have the decency to respond and communicate. The number of people I have blocked on my social media isn't funny. And I intend to block many more because even if I have just two friends, I would rather they align with my values. 

And all the men I had the bad judgement to fall for in the past. The ones who withheld and sat silently chewing their words while I begged for answers and explanations, they could all just fuck off now. 

All my shadow work has taught me that I am no goody two shoes, sacrificial lamb. I have a dark side as well that will only raise its ugly head again and again. All these years, I suppressed it and kept my mouth shut. Not any more. In fact, I will try to communicate and sort things out if I get an honest response. Otherwise, silence is my answer. If I can be warm and loving, I can be the most cold hearted bitch you could ever meet. What you get depends on what you give. 

My close friend and I had the worst fight ever. But we sat down and hashed out each ugly detail, no holding back. Bit by bit, we understood where we were both going wrong. That's the power of communication. 

I can sense a massive change coming up in me next year. I need more time to myself, which I'm not getting, partly because somewhere I'm still afraid of being too demanding. I'm also learning to let go of something else that has been on my mind for a long time now. It's only a matter of time now before I can release it for good. 

Sometimes I think my purpose in life is not to fix others, but show them that they can fix themselves. Now it's four more people that I have guided towards therapy. I'm so glad that we can all heal together and move towards more understood versions of ourselves. 

So much to learn, still so far to go...