Conjuring

I'm never fully present anywhere. When I'm walking under a tree, looking up at its branches, I'm on the branches. I see leaves falling down, but what I really see is snow. Cold, white stars falling down on my hands. 

I'm talking to you, I hear an air conditioner, but what I really hear is the sea. I'm sitting on a cliff, looking down at the waves. I'm never really there anywhere. When I'm there, I'm also somewhere else. I don't know how I became like that. I suppose I was lonely as a child, I was invisible and misunderstood. I could not explain myself to anyone. I could not understand anyone. It was easier this way. To live where you choose. 

My son told me yesterday how he feels he belongs nowhere, that he must have lived on some other planet because nothing seems real. It didn't raise any alarm bells for me. All I told him was that I understood how that felt. I'm sure there are more of us out there. The ones who are never really there. I suppose I recognize them, but not all of them are comfortable revealing it. 

We would be top material for shrinks, the fantasy prone personalities. I am aware of that too. My husband accuses me of making up people in my head who don't exist. I know what I'm doing. But I do it to make myself feel safe. Real people don't make me feel that way. The imaginary ones do. We are perfectly in sync, without having to meet or talk in real life. I'm making my choices, what's so wrong about that? 

I sit and meditate on the grass for what seems like a very long time. I've never had acid, but I'm pretty sure this is what it feels like. When I open my eyes, the grass projects outwards. It's dry and green and golden, with sunlight falling on it. I'm in a 3D movie. I spot tiny insects crawling in it from a distance, some butterflies hovering over the ground. My eyesight is poor, how can I see so clearly, as if I have a telescope attached to my eyes? I feel blessed. Why would I need to ever have drugs? My whole life has been like this. Gloriously golden, filled with beautiful synchronicity and serendipity. 

The only times I've been miserable is because of people, and how they've let me down. It's because they were real, and I don't like reality. I don't like the way people love in this world. It's ugly, fearful and selfish. That's not how I love. I don't understand their concept of love. 

When I hurt, I imagine my idea of love. It's flawed because love can't be a constant. Everything changes, everyone changes here. In my world, it doesn't. I close my eyes again and alter my reality once more. 

Truth is painful, I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear that I imagined everything. I already know it. I've always known it. Everything I've created, I have been able to destroy. I will create once more. You can't hurt me because I would have created another version of you by then. 

See, not easy to understand. I'm not easy to understand. Even I'm still just beginning to learn who I am. I look at the moon now, and I feel nothing. I have already destroyed that world. It's gone. I've moved on to another imaginary land. 

I look at the water leaking from the pipe from a higher floor. I feel it's coolness on my head. I'm under a waterfall, wiped clean. I go where I please. I'm everything and no one. 

You're still here, I'm still here, but I'm gone as well. Here and not here. I've always been like this. Only my words remain. Like the constants I imagine love to be.