Red-faced Reindeer

 

I've been watching 'Baby Reindeer' on Netflix, and even though I haven't completed it, I'm all kinds of triggered. It is based on a true story, of a man being stalked by a disturbed woman. But this is no 'Fatal Attraction' where you sympathise with the man who is being stalked. Neither do you completely empathise with the stalker, a middle-aged, delusional almost likeable Martha. 

I like the way the narrative shifts between showing both the stalker and stalked as flawed, both survivors of some deep trauma that freezes them in their chosen roles. 

Is the enabler equally responsible as the enabled because they just couldn't set up their boundaries, henceforth giving mixed signals to someone who imagines every interaction or smile as a sign of interest? 

It's after we delve deeper into their pasts do we understand why they are the way they are. The triggers are many. For me, personally it reminded me of the number of times I have deluded myself into believing someone liked me just because they confused the hell outta me without a clear 'No'. I have been that stalker, who has sat hours in the rain, just to catch a glimpse of someone, just like Martha does. It makes me nauseous to think how sickening I might have appeared. 

I have also been the one to cross physical boundaries and pinched a man's arse again and again, who was nice enough not to report me. But the point is, he did not say a 'No' clear enough, and that was mistaken for a 'Yes'. Imagine a man doing that to a woman and the horrible accusations of sexual exploitation that would follow? Of course, years later after having two boys myself, I did reach out to him and apologize for my behaviour only to have him laugh about it. But lesson learnt, no crossing physical boundaries with people if they seem even remotely uncomfortable. Sometimes silence should be as good as a 'No'. 

The point is, men are easy targets. Especially men who are insecure, vulnerable and don't know how to respond to women because they have never been taught that you can let a woman down. It doesn't mean that it gives women a right to treat them like shit. Gender is irrelevant, consent is required in both cases. 

The scene that depicts sexual violence towards a man is so heart wrenching, that it makes you want to ask some hard hitting questions. I remember a man close to me confiding in me about being raped by another man after his drink was spiked. Back then, I didn't believe a word of it. I still don't know if it was true. Because if it was, my reaction towards him was horrifyingly one of disbelief and apathetic. After watching the series, I can only imagine what it could do to one's sense of judgement or self esteem. 

I do feel bad for the main character, Donny in the series, because somewhere he likes the attention his stalker provides and yet it scares him. I feel bad for her as well. All she wants is to feel loved. At one point, he even admits that he feels 'seen' by her. I went into the series expecting humour, and even though it's there in bits and pieces, it is again serving as only a break till reality hits again. A side serving of a Diet Coke with a spicy meal. 

I will go back and finish watching it. But only after taking a breather. I'm quite full for the time being, and even the Diet Coke isn't helping.